Tuesday with Morrie — Family, Self-Pity & Forgiveness, and Death

Every time I recall my grandfather, who was once so vivid in my memory, he has become so blurry. The details of how he protected noddy me from being blamed by my father are no longer easy to remember. Death might be a black hole that I never want to gaze into.

On July 12, 2012, my grandfather passed away. I remember I was still at a New Oriental suburban training camp studying English. When I received a call from my mother saying she was coming to pick me up, I was confused, but knowing that I didn’t have to study English anymore, I was immediately thrilled about her arrival.

As I approached the door, my mother took me to the car, and the car was filled with silence—utterly still. “Your grandfather just passed away.” At that time, I was only 15 years old. I didn’t know what death really meant, but I knew it was something terrifying.

Ever since I started sleeping alone, away from my parents’ bed, I would occasionally run to their bed and ask, “Will I die? Will you die? I’m scared.” Since childhood, I’ve had a deep sense of reverence for death because I feared it would take away the most precious things from me. And as for facing death myself, I would stay awake at night.

A long time ago, I bought the book Tuesdays with Morrie, but I don’t remember finding what I was looking for in it, perhaps because I was still too young. Re-reading the book now, I am overwhelmed with emotions, especially when it came to the final lesson where the protagonist, Professor Morrie, was about to leave this world—it deeply moved me.

This book has given me a new perspective on several vital aspects of life. The three most touching elements for me are: Family, Self-Pity & Forgiveness, and Death. These themes have given me a deeper understanding of death and a few other issues in life.

The male protagonist (Morrie’s student) narrates from a first-person perspective, transforming from a middle-class American who mechanically works just to earn more money into someone who resolves many of his life’s knots and bids farewell to Morrie in a touching story. They agreed to meet every Tuesday, where through lessons, Morrie helps Mitch overcome his fears and address his doubts.

Family

Professor Morrie said, “If you don’t have the support and love and caring and concern that you get from family, you don’t have much at all. Love is so supremely important. As our great poet Auden said, “Love each other or perish.” Morrie believed that people could gain support, love, and care from their family, and if you don’t have family, you have nothing. The poet Auden said: “Love each other or perish.”

When Morrie was nearing the end of his life, his loved ones were by his side, and his close friends often visited him. He never felt alone; instead, he always received love and support. In life, the setbacks and difficulties we face can make us feel utterly despairing, but in that warm place called home, there will always be someone who cares for you, loves you, and helps you. Life should always be filled with love because love is one of the greatest aspects of human emotion.

“Maybe one day, I’ll lose everything; maybe one day, I’ll be expelled from school; maybe one day, I’ll fall gravely ill, but the power of love can change many dire situations.”

The love Morrie talked about isn’t limited to family members. Helping others a little more, showing more care—when people can feel love at any moment, the world will be a better place. Whenever I think of a friend I met in 2019, although we’re not of the same age and we didn’t start from the same place, the support he gave me was just like the love and support from family. When I was in despair during the pandemic, when I faced difficulties at work, when I was confused about my life goals and cried, he always provided me with help and support.

“Since knowing him, I’ve tried to help those around me who might need it. Life isn’t easy, and the road ahead is long. Cherish those who are good to you and give the love you can to those who need help. Love each other or perish.”

Self-Pity & Forgiveness

Morrie said: It’s okay for people to feel sorry for themselves, but for him, it was perfectly fine to spend a few minutes each day complaining about himself and shedding a few tears. In life, it’s important to learn to forgive others and forgive yourself.

Morrie encountered many difficulties in life, but every morning, he would let all his feelings of self-pity and grievance flow away in a few tears, allowing those negative emotions to disappear. A beautiful day would then begin.

More often than not, I think most people, after achieving some wealth, will compare themselves to more successful individuals. Not everyone can become the best in their field—be it a top student, an Olympic champion, or a Forbes billionaire. Even in the 80/20 rule of the stock market, there are many people striving to be in that 20 percent. And compared to those at the top of the food chain, we feel inferior, believing life is unsatisfactory and difficult, and we pity ourselves. But at some point in time, who hasn’t felt this way?

Once you surpass one person, you look for the next competitor. Endless comparisons create endless feelings of inferiority. There’s no need to forget that we are humans—emotional beings—just because of endless battles.

Morrie repeatedly mentioned the Buddhist concept of detachment—a kind of consciousness separation. He had great respect for the peace that Buddhism preaches. I can’t definitively say whether Morrie’s view that comparison and competition hold little significance is correct, nor can I say that only the survival of the fittest, where success or failure depends on this one moment, is right. I believe life is more about finding a balance between harmony and competition. However, Morrie’s approach to dealing with feelings of inferiority and forgiveness towards oneself and others is worth pondering. It also reminds me of the lyrics from Zheng Zhihua's song "Sailor":

"He said, what’s a little pain in the wind and rain? Wipe your tears, don't be afraid, at least we still have dreams."

Death

Morrie had a lesson on death in the final stage of his life. When asked about his attitude towards death, he didn’t shy away from mentioning the word “death.” However, for most people, death is like the forbidden fruit in the Garden of Eden. But Morrie said, “Once you learn how to die, you learn how to live.”

Many people live in a half-awake, half-asleep state, doing what they think they should be doing, but is that really the case? If I were to leave this world tomorrow, what would I do today? When you seriously answer this question, most people will find that what they are about to do is not the same as the mechanical, repetitive things they were doing before.

Morrie envisioned a very simple day: swimming, having breakfast, chatting with family and friends, and then dancing.

And every day, asking yourself, “If today were my last day, what should I do?” That’s the attitude that truly makes life fulfilling and brings you closer to death without fear.

When I think of my grandfather’s passing, I often wonder if he had any regrets about his life and if there was anything in our time together that he regretted. Living a full and happy life is the best way to face death.

When Morrie said he wasn’t afraid of death because he had family by his side, happy and fulfilled throughout his life, that simple and fulfilling happiness allowed me to vividly imagine Morrie in my mind.